Forgiveness...A Lesson That Rang True.

So every once in a while I learn something useful in school....SHOCKING right!? Today in my Family Processes class I really feel like I learned some valuable things, so valuable that I wanted to share it with the few people who might actually read this.

Forgiveness is usually a difficult topic. We talk about it a lot in the LDS church and in life but does anyone really UNDERSTAND what it means to forgive. I know I didn't really ever understand, or ever comprehend what it meant. I could say a lot of things about Christ or bring in the gospel but I want to explain it in a different way, the way my professor explained it. Because generally when people explain it in a gospel perspective some imbecile brings up that Christ sat with our enemies so we have to as well....NOT TRUE.

Dr. Dyer started off the class with something called a "Thought Experiment" where he essentially asked, "What if someone close to you hurt you really badly, but they promised to never do it again, does full forgiveness require you to sit down at dinner with them (Or in some extent be sitting next to them for an extended period of time)?"

I immediately had something to say, because recently I had an experience that very closely fitted to HIS hypothetical situation. I have a damaged relationship with someone in my life who I should be close to. This person has hurt me and my family and so it has been a difficult process trying to forgive them. I want to move on in my life and forgive this person, but I have heard many definitions about forgiveness and it has always left me in a cloud questioning if I REALLY did forgive (Anyone else feel that way?).

Well, as the story goes I was invited to dinner by this person who has hurt me time and time again. I had talked to this person earlier and they pleaded with me on the phone explaining how they've made so many changes and how they are truly sorry. I felt in my heart that I had forgiven this person and I had done that through time, distance, and boundaries. This person explained to me if I TRULY believed in the atonement and had sincerely forgiven them that I would spend more time with them, go to this or that, etc...I knew I had forgiven them, but I still felt like I didn't need to be around them to truly forgive them, until they pulled that fast one on me about the atonement and questioning my faith (Which I now understand was wrong of them to do but at the time it was very confusing, going back to the cloudiness of WHAT REALLY IS FORGIVING SOMEONE?).

So what did I do???? I felt guilty, and felt that if I had really forgiven them I could go to dinner with them, move on from the situation and start fresh. So there I was, sitting at dinner across from the person who really hurt me (Just like the teacher's hypothetical situation, except it was all TOO real for me). It was going fine but all the sudden that person changed into the same person they had always been. Maybe they HAVE made some changes in their life (that's wonderful!) but the way they were treating ME was the SAME. I explained to this person that I wasn't at dinner to discuss these things, I wanted to start a new relationship and move on from the past. This person seemed to have ear plugs in and kept attacking me with topics I had no interest in discussing and things that didn't even directly involve me. The way this person treated the guest he had brought also disturbed me and brought up past emotions. What was happening wasn't OK and so I got up and left. I just left. It was probably one of the most liberating, life defining moments in my 19 years of life.

Here's what I learned at that dinner. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to spend time with them. Sometimes, forgiving is easiest when you put distance in between you and the person who hurt you...especially if every time you get near them they hurt you again. Some relationships are just TOXIC and IT IS OK to set up boundaries. For me and this person I can only truly forgive them when I am at a distance. So as you can imagine it was VERY validating to go to class today and learn the following.....

Forgiveness is NOT...
*Forgetting (Our bodies are wired to remember pain, that's essentially a good thing! We are never going to truly forget anything unless we lost our brain, and thinking about NOT thinking about something only ingrains it in us further...So unless you get amnesia or literally lose your brain you are never going to completely lose the memories of hurt you once felt, YOU just aren't wired like that)
*Trust (Just because you forgave someone DOES not mean you have to give them full trust. Trust is something you earn and if you break someone's trust then you better believe you have to earn it back through time)
*No longer feeling the pain or grieving (Just like I said earlier, our bodies aren't wired to forget pain. That doesn't mean we can't move on and think about happy things, but if old feelings come up and you feel hurt all over again, that's OK. You can still be completely forgiving)
*Pretending unacceptable behavior is acceptable. (If someone hurt you,  you don't have to say "It's all right" "It wasn't that bad"....admit they hurt you and that it better never happen again!)
*No consequences (If someone is forgiven they might expect that they don't need to go through certain consequences for example, boundaries being set, but even if someone is forgiven there still needs to be some consequences...not like you punishing them or revenging but just like in Newton's law with every action their is a reaction)
*Reconciliation (Sometimes if you forgive someone they might expect for your relationship to be all happy again and to go back to exactly the way it was! This isn't true, relationships are always changing and if someone hurt you really badly they can't expect things to go back to the same place.)

So after learning about everything that forgiveness is not...you might be wondering OK so that was helpful but what's left???? How can I forgive someone then...

Forgiveness is understanding that their was harm done. It's acknowledging that you are hurt and are feeling pain. It's having full knowledge that the transgressor is responsible for the injury. It is voluntarily giving up the attitude of "since you hurt me, you owe me". It is a canceled debt. Forgiveness is giving up the perceived right to get even. It is working through the pain and not avoiding it.

It's pretty simple right? To forgive someone doesn't mean you have to put yourself in emotionally harmful situations time and time again. It is working through your own heart and soul and removing yourself from the negative emotions directly related to the transgressor.

So to answer my teachers HYPOTHETICAL question....NO, you don't have to sit through dinner, or even be within a 1000 miles of the person who hurt you to truly mean you forgave them. So that is why that moment when I walked away from that dinner and went to class today was defining for me, because it helped me understand that I have forgiven this person all along and that I never have to compromise my emotional well being again to PROVE that I have forgiven them.

"I'm dropping out!"

Disclaimer: What you are about to read are the crazy inside thoughts of Hannah Tull's mind. Some of these thoughts may not be appropriate for children under the age of 12, the elderly, and anyone who isn't on drugs. The sole purpose of this post is venting, complaining and leaking out Hannah's thoughts.  Hannah does not really feel like her life would be better if she dropped out of school but for tonight that's how she feels. This post may not make sense and may be too jumpy or random for some people. But she is still posting it. Hannah also wants you to know she feels really weird writing in 3rd person. Enjoy.

{Already a crazy cat lady}

.............Ok I am not really dropping out, but sometimes it's relieving to let these insane thoughts out of my head and to dream of a life free of school. I have these days often (and to be truthful I mean everyday) where I just say:

 "Hannah! Why are you at school?? You should drop out, move to spain, and live as a gypsy on the beach! You can have as many cats as you want and live off of other people!!!"

 Good plan right?!?!?!? Yet another time my thoughts seem a little crazy, hmmm is there a pattern here?     It's sort of fun to day dream about quitting and leaving for a life of adventure and wild experiences! So to humor myself (and my readers of coarse)  I will think of a list of things I would do with my life if I were to drop out of school today and never go to another lecture or open another text book again! 

1. Buy a lot of cats
2. Be a crazy cat lady
3. Buy some guns
4. Grow a garden
5. Grown my hair past my butt
6. Be a hippie for a week
7. Travel Europe
8. Paint my nails every couple days
9. Be a gypsy
10. Work at Wal-mart
11. Invent a board game
12. Work at target
13. Bake all the time
14. Get a Harley and store freshly baked cookies inside for my biker friends
15. Go to every state in America (Stay the longest in Hawaii)
16. Watch every 80's movie ever created (twice!)
17. Etc. Etc. Etc. 

But when all this dreaming is said and done I realize even more how much I want to quit school! (Just kidding of coarse)

In all seriousness now I am thankful for my education and thankful for my goals in life and aspiration to become an Occupational Therapist. Because, although that list of things I just spat out seems fun and easy to do what I really want in life is to work hard and grow. Yes, school is hard and stressful ALL the time (especially this week with all 5 of my tests plus a paper) but anything worth while is worth working hard for and that is why I have to remind myself everyday when things get frustrating why I'm here and what I am working towards. As fun as it would be to be a crazycat-harleyriding-baking-80'smoviewatching-targetworking-gunshooting-gardengrowing-wellpaintedfingernailed-gypsy I must focus on school right now and all the cool things I am learning! BUT when I finish school and become a rich OT this world better watch out because I'm gonna be one heck of a crazy fun (and thanks to school WELL EDUCATED) lady! 

Mr. Wonderful

So it's sophomore year at BYU and I am pretty sure it's a year that's designed to kill me...literally...OK not literally but between all the minor injuries i've received in the past couple months it feels like it. But seriously my classes are hard and between those, my job and having a boyfriend and also trying to do everything else i'm suppose to do in this world I feel like a crazy maniac a lot of the time (Welcome to adult life)...

Having a boyfriend which I added into the previous list isn't really one of the things that's trying to kill me or stressing me out because having him is really really wonderful but I just wish I had more time to give him and to do things he likes to do (biking,hiking,bowling,walking...etc). He is probably my only saving grace this semester and I don't know what I would do without him keeping me in check and making sure i'm taken care of. So this post will be dedicated to me listing and bragging about all the many wonderful things he does for me so continue reading if you want, or STOP, if you don't like the whole "lovey dovey" thing, because yes...this will be that kind of post.

I didn't know I could be treated so well by a boy but Josh Golden treats me like a princess. It all started with a blender...Not really...he did nice things before, but this is where I feel like beginning. One day sitting at my grandmas house she and I were discussing how it would be nice if I had a blender at school so I could make smoothies and soups she made. I didn't have a ton of money so I would wait and buy one eventually. That day my g-ma, g-pa, Josh and I went to target so I could pick up some school supplies...while looking Josh disappeared and I must admit I was a little annoyed on his sudden vanishment...he was gone for quite a while and he was acting like a weirdo...when we all got in the car to leave I decided to just forget about the strangeness. When I got home I was unloading a storage carrier that I had bought and Josh was with me. Josh asked me if it felt extra heavy or if I noticed anything and I said "no..."....the light-bulb then turned on in my head (after him hinting a thousand times) and I checked inside the bin and he had hid a beautiful blender/processor which he had bought me! I teared up at his thoughtfulness and couldn't believe on how sweet the gift was...Thus the sudden disappearance in Target earlier.  These are the kind of things he does for me, he actually listens to what I am saying, and serves me in ways that I need it most.

I have a very busy schedule, one thing Josh does to spend time with me is he comes to some of my classes  and is always helping me with studying and work. He never  complains and I know it's not the most exciting thing for him to be doing, but he does those things so he can spend time with me and it means the world to me. Our plans are always changing because something always comes up with work or my school but he goes along with it. He is always supporting me and encouraging me and looking for ways to make my life simpler. I will often find him helping clean my kitchen and doing our dishes and when our trash is full he takes it out...I mean really why is this boy so nice??? He is always one step ahead of me and is impressively organized and hard-working.  His mother must have taught him very very very well.

I am an event planner/coordinator for on-campus housing and I have events about twice a month. This requires a lot of labor and time especially at the programs. Josh is always right besides me working to help the program go smoother and most of all making sure I allow myself to relax or have a little fun. Josh has his own job and doesn't need to be working double to be helping me, but he does, and it really helps. He is one of the most selfless people I have ever known and is always showing me what true love means.

Next, I have a habit of losing things or forgetting things at home. I am working really hard to break this but Josh knows I do this and always helps when I do something silly. After walking me to my anatomy class I realized I had forgot my extra credit for the midterm that was due in 10 min. Josh had already started walking back to his car at my house and I called him in a panic and asked if there was any way he could bring it to me since I had to stay because they were starting instructions for the test. He didn't hesitate and said of coarse and ran all the way back to bring me the paper on time. He is my knight in shining armor, always saving my day.

Now this next story is pretty funny (and pretty graphic...) but it really shows what  a truly selfless man Josh is. He got sick one day and started puking in my bathroom. I don't do puke. I mean really throw poop, blood and guts at me and I won't even flinch, but puke, that's just not something I can handle. I hear him and brace myself to see his pukey chunky face...I gag but know that I need/want to comfort him but he was already cleaning up. I got him some mouth wash and tissues and then I went to go open a window because the smell was too much. While trying to open the window some random metal bar flies down and slices my thumb open! I scream and it's bleeding and it hurts and flesh is hanging from my thumb and I start crying because really how pathetic is it that I was trying to take care of Josh and I manage to cripple my hand. Josh is all done cleaning himself up and he runs to my aid and quickly comforts me. He runs to his car, grabs his first aid kit and cuts the hanging flesh from my thumb then patches me up. Really??? He was just puking 5 minutes earlier, (poor guy, if I had puked i'd be dead on the floor bawling my eyes out with devastation) and now he's patching his girlfriend up who stupidly got cut. It was really an eventful afternoon.

Josh listens when I speak and does things for me like when I am talking about wanting to try a new hot chocolate he surprises me with it in the morning, or when I say I really like these nail stickers he again surprises me by buying them. I don't know how I got such a sincere sweet man but I thank Heavenly Father everyday for his presence in my life because he is everything to me.  Besides all the incredibly thoughtful things he does for me everyday I have so much fun with him and his hugs and kisses mean the most to me. I melt like a popsicle every time Josh grabs my hand to hold, when he kisses me on my forehead/cheek/top of head and when he puts his arms around me. Josh is my Mr. Wonderful and hopefully I can do as many nice things for him and he does for me. Ok this sappy post has come to it's end but really Josh is THE BEST.

This will NOT be the last time...

 I am the luckiest girl in the world! I am taking a Living Prophets class at BYU and all I get to do for this class is learn about the Prophet Thomas S. Monson. Today in class we watched his biography and every time I've seen that video I feel the love of my Savior and grow an ever deeper respect and love for my prophet. He truly is an amazing and remarkable man.

For this class my homework is to read talks given by President Monson since the time he was called to be an apostle...this will definitely not be the last post you read about me ranting about how great this class is and will not be the last time I share the material I'm reading.  While studying tonight I came across a letter, that was put in one of President Monsons talk and I just thought it was too wonderful not to share... This letter is about courage, passion, patriotism and true love. Here is possibly one of the best letters I have ever read. The man who wrote this letter was Major Sullivan Ballou, who during the American Civil War wrote this to his wife Sarah, just one week before he was killed in the Battle of Bull Run.

"July 14, 1861

Camp Clark, Washington 

My very dear Sarah,

The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days—perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write again, I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.

I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. … I am … perfectly willing … to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government. …
Sarah, my love for you is deathless; it seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me unresistibly on with all these chains to the battle field.

The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when, God willing, we might still have lived and loved together, and seen our sons grown up to honorable manhood around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me—perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar, that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battle field, it will whisper your name. Forgive [me] my … faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have oftentimes been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness. …

But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and the unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the gladdest days and in the darkest nights … always, always, and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath, as the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by. Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again.^"


Here is the original talk:  http://www.lds.org/ensign/1994/05/the-path-to-peace?lang=eng
 

 

I LOVE Valentine's Day

Ok...I know Valentine's Day is most people's least favorite holiday but it just so happens that it is my favorite (tying with Christmas, Hanukkah, and Thanksgiving). I love everything about it and always have. I love the chocolates, the flowers, even the gushy couples, the colorful sweetheart candies, the silly cards, the romantic movies, the warm colors, and the way it brings friends together.  I love it so much that I’m blogging about it 2 ½ weeks in advance.

Really I don’t care if I’m single, in a relationship, or in between, this day has a special place in my heart.  Before college my brother and I use to wake up on this day to special Valentine’s treats from our mom and that was always a favorite tradition. I love having an excuse to show the one’s I love how much they mean to me. 

Do you remember in elementary school how on Valentine’s day everyone in the class would bring in Valentine’s day cards and candy and put them on everyone’s desk?! I miss doing that…I loved those cards with the cheesy sayings and cartoons. Every kid loved Valentine’s Day so why now, does every adult feel so cynical about it??

If we change out attitude and focus on how many people we do have to love and how many people love us back we might be surprised at how great this love holiday can be.  Don’t focus on whether you have a significant other or not! Love and spoil those you DO have in your life, whether it is your best girl friends, guy friends, siblings, parents, grandparents, extended family, roommates, your pets or complete strangers…Take advantage of February 14^th, love and be loved...And if nothing else SPOIL YOURSELF ;) Cause no one loves you like you do.

P.s. Check out this blog... 101 Valentine's Day gift ideas  http://mudpiestudio.blogspot.com/

Warm Peanut M&M's and Popcorn

This weekend my room mate Genevieve introduced me to something very dangerous...Two of my favorite foods combined in one bowl. Warm popcorn and colorful peanut M&M's dumped into the same bowl makes for a very delicious, but very unhealthy treat. It's absolutely wonderful because the M&M's get soft and warm and it's like heaven in a candy shell. Dangerous...but delicious.

This weekend I watched a couple movies because as sad as this might be one of my favorite things to do is to curl up with a warm blanket and good film. I watched "Notting Hill" which I have never seen but I fell in love with, "Dirty Dancing" which has always been a favorite (who doesn't love a shirtless young Patrick Swayze?), "Superman Returns"....LOVE superhero movies, and sadly I will admit I watched a lifetime movie called "Deadly Honeymoon" and it was the worst hour and twenty-seven minutes of my life.  I love watching movies.

Besides watching movies I also went to a BYU dance and it was....interesting?? Now don't get me wrong I love dancing the night away with my girlfriends, but it was a little disturbing when boys would flee the dance floor every time a song came on that didn't require the crowd to either fist pump or do the sprinkler...in other words every time a SLOW SONG came on.  Really?? At one point their was a long row of chairs and the right side consisted of the female gender and the left the males. Since when are we scared of each other? Oh that's right I forgot I am at BYU and everyone still has cooties. I obviously do not share this same belief as my Mormon peers so I asked 2 boys to dance. Normally I would refer to 21 and 22 year olds as Men but they were far from it. ( I am done with my rant now)

Happy Halloween!

Me and my roomies :) Ashley, Julianna, Me.


How can you not smile when you look at us!?



Halloween is one of my favorite holidays! I love dressing up and gorging myself with candy. My family has always been very good at a making a big deal out of holidays and this was my first real holiday away from family.

The day started off pretty good. The weather was crisp and colorful leaves were scattered on every sidewalk. Walking on campus was quite a site because many people were dressed up in insane costumes. A few of my favorite were Jack Sparrow, Rock em' Bop em' Robots and the whole clan from Wizard of Oz. It was hilarious and I couldn't help but smile on my way to and from classes.

My dearest friend Abby was not very fond of Halloween but I tried to make it wonderful for her. We went and bought ourselves delicious candy, there was a lady doing free face painting so I was all over that, and we went back to my place to paint our nails black and make chocolate chip cookies and choffee (a cool little drink made from cacao beans). It was a lot of fun and Abby is now a fan of Halloween :)

One thing my family does on Halloween is we make chili and go trick or treating. I am proud to say I have never missed a Halloween of trick or treating except in 2007 (my freshman year of high school) because I was puking my guts out! Then my brother and I sit on the floor and trade candy then we relax and it's always a super fun night. I was having a hard time being away from home but I tried to make the best of it.

My ward was having a Halloween party so I dressed up as a Greek Goddess and went to that for an Hour then came home. The girl I visit teach, Brandi decided to join me in my festivities back a home and I was so excited because she is the sweetest! She agreed to go trick or treating with me and so we went to one dorm and got a piece of candy. Success! Then we went to my house where Abby, Kamilla and my room mates joined us to make chili! it was so much fun and it turned out delicious. Brandi made cornbread and we all enjoyed each others company.

It was a good Halloween and I tried to make it as much like home as possible. :) I love my family and how special they make Holidays and hopefully I can carry on the traditions in my new life.

Before I forget I will mention that on Friday in honor of Halloween Kamilla and I watched "The Secret Window" with Johnny Depp and boy did we scream. Or I screamed....she mostly laughed at me screaming. Haha I am so lucky to have friends who are willing to watch intense movies with me on the whim in honor of Halloween.

There was also a Stake dance on Saturday and Kamilla went with me and we made her into Meg from Hercules :) We are quite cute!